Posts Tagged ‘burning throat’

I have been so angry lately.  Just fed up at everything.  Not wanting to be where I am; wanting so desperately to have a job and be able to support my family.  That I forgot that what I am doing right now is very important too.  I am still looking for a job, don’t think that I have given that up but I have given up my anger.

Today when I woke up I just felt like it had been washed away in the storm we had last night.  It was a quick down pour, like a quick burst of cleansing rain and wind.  If it hadn’t been lightning out I probably would have gone out and stood in it.  But lightning scares me, so I just watched it from the window.

Anger often clouds our thinking.  We get so caught up in the “unfairness” of it all that we forget to look at the good things.  When I talk about being here and taking care of Gpa, all the right things come out of my mouth.  I talk about how it is the one solution that made sense and that in the end I will never regret it.  But what I don’t talk about is how I regret and resent it now.  How angry I am that this intelligent, thoughtful, vigorous man has been reduced to a petulant, mumbling, grouchy pain in the butt, and all because of an addiction to cigarettes.  It makes me so mad!  Cigarettes killed my mother and now they are stealing away my father and in some ways if feels like they are stealing my life too.

I have never seriously smoked.  I have tried them a few times in the very far distant past but really do not see the appeal.  I never really achieved the high that most smokers enjoy I just got the painful breathing and the burning throat.  I do not see how that could be remotely worth it.  I see what smoking has done to my dad’s breathing, I hear what it is doing to my sisters, and I know it makes me very angry.

We cannot change other people we can only change our response to their actions.  I have been responding with anger because I am helpless to help them.  They have to do it themselves.  I have to accept my limitations in that.  I don’t want to be angry all the time.  I want to be happy and let them be who they are.  I cannot change them, but I can change me.



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