Archive for September, 2011

I feel guilt. I am at Gpa’s until tomorrow, I am back to “visiting” when I am here rather than “living” here. The agreement was that I would be here until he dies or I got a job. And I got a job, I start Monday. But the job is nearly four hours from here.  It is nearly four hours from Hubby too. When we decided that I would be here until he dies or I get a job I quite frankly believed he would die before I got a job. Sorry Dad, you were in pretty awful shape when I got here. I am so grateful that he is still here. I am not ready to be an orphan! And neither are my brothers and sisters.

I feel guilt because I can’t be here all the time anymore and every time I do come he tells me how glad he is to have me there. It is going to work out that I am here every other weekend, eventually. I hope. I am here now because the next two weekends I will not be able to come here. Next weekend is my birthday and I am going home. I haven’t been home in over a month.  I miss my house. It is another source of guilt.

I feel guilt because I don’t get home as often as I would like. I don’t get to see Army Girl as often as I would like. I don’t get to see Hubby as often as I would like and as often as I need to. I am not there to help take care of my house, my home.

I feel guilt. It’s okay. It is a natural feeling to have. But I learned a long time ago that I cannot be all things to all people and really guilt is an emotion and a trip we place on ourselves. I am embracing the guilt I feel so that I will really enjoy those moments when I am with Gpa, with Hubby, with Army Girl and the little carrot to be.  Rather than concentrating on the things I am not doing or accomplishing I am going to concentrate on what is happening in front of me right now.

Happy thoughts for a happy day!

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I haven’t written in a while, I haven’t had a lot to say, and what I did have to say was not very nice so . . . I decided not to say anything at all. I managed to piss off both of my sisters this month, a new record, not one I am very proud of, so I have been doing a lot of thinking. Regrouping my thoughts and trying to figure out what is going on with me.

I am solidly starting menopause. I still get my period but it is changing and I am changing. I have heard that menopause is adolescence in reverse, so now I get the bitchiness and mood swings and the uncontrollable anger. In a teenager or preteenager it can be chalked up to all of these raging hormones, in an adult I think it is a lack of raging hormones.

For most of my adult life I have had that one day where no matter what nothing and no one can be right, those days when I can’t even stand myself. They used to be fairly predictable, two days before my period I would be so cranky and angry, then my period would come and the relief was palpable. Now I have no idea when or how bad the crankiness will come, I do not want to be this way.

Plus my skin is going to hell, wrinkles and zits, what a great combination.  My birthday is coming up soon; I will be 46 years old. The research I have been doing says that menopause lasts anywhere from 2-10 years from the onset of “symptoms”, except I have been having hot flashes for 14 years already. I started getting hot flashes when I was 32 years old. I still get my period as regular as ever it’s just now there are days when I am pretty sure if something ever happened to me and they swabbed the drains of my shower . . .

Menopause is something all women go through and very few talk about. None of us want to be old enough to go through it; none of us want to have this adolescence in reverse. We all would love for it to be over, having your period is inconvenient, messy and means you can get pregnant. Not having it means you really are at least middle aged if not old. We want it both ways convenience and to not be old.

Nothing is ever completely easy or smooth, especially transitions. This is one transition that will be bumpy and messy and hopefully when we all make it out the other side we can all still be friends.

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