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Archive for March, 2011

One last blog about my toe.  Here is a picture of the end results.  I took the polish off the nail today and there was all of the loveliness.  I am still hopeful that I will get to keep the nail.  I hope so, because the thought of it coming off just grosses me out.  It has been a weird experience, my toe swelled enough that it now has stretch marks and it has been pealing.  It is still thicker than the other one and has a few aches now and then.  But I have most of the movement back , I can bend it almost as far as I used to, who knows maybe soon I will be able to pick stuff up with it again.  :p

I went to the gym and have been able to do a full work out.  I have been able to do full pushups again.  It feels so good to get out of the house and work out.  I have been walking as well as going to the gym.  It will take a while to rebuild all of the muscle tone and cardio ability I had before but will keep moving and get it back.   I think next week I will start doing yoga again.

I do not recommend dropping a 45 pound weight on your foot.  It hurts and it sets your workout schedule back a whole bunch.

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This is where I am meant to be right now.  Granted it is not where I want to be.  It is not what I want to be doing but it is where I am needed.  So here I am.  It has been a rough road getting here.  I have kicked and screamed and cried and tried many many different ways to be somewhere else but to no avail.  So I am working on accepting this situation in this time and in this place.

For a little while I thought I would be doing something else, somewhere else.  I really got my hopes up on that one, but it didn’t work out.  I am very bummed.  It sucks being rejected again and again.  Sometimes I think
there is something wrong with me, and sometimes I think there is something wrong with them, but in the end, here I am.  So here I will stay.

I am not the only one in this situation, there are millions of us, who according to a new study have a better chance of being hit by lightning, that is a lot of lightning that is needed right now.   There isn’t nearly enough in the future forecast.  So here I am, and there they are.  I am sure we will all still struggle to get somewhere else, but for today, this is where I am meant to be.

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We had a wonderful visit with Navy Girl.  Unfortunately it was precipated by the loss of her and Army Girls  grandmother.  J was a wonderful woman who had battled Alzheimer’s for quite a few years.  What an insidious disease.  It steals your mind one tiny piece at a time.  There is no cure and the devastation it leaves in its wake is awful.  J was as generous with her time and heart as she was with her money.  She was one of those people who did things.  She saw a need and she filled it.  She treated all three of my girls as her grandchildren even though Air Force Girl isn’t.  I am forever grateful for all of the wonderful things she did for my girls and me.

Army Girl read one of the readings at the funeral and Navy Girl sang the Ave Maria.  When I was in college I took an acting class, we did a scene from “Come Back Little Sheba” in it one of the main characters listens to the radio and is mesmerized by the singing of the Ave Maria by Maria Callas.  I found a recording of the song to play for the scene.  Navy Girl sounded like the recording.  She has an amazing voice.  Hubby said afterwards that the Navy’s gain was American Idol’s loss.  I am pretty sure everyone in that church would agree.

Navy Girl got to go on Mr. Toad’s wild ride to get here, but she made it safe and sound in spite of the 15” of snow that we received the day she attempted to arrive.  She made the comment that brand new pilots landing on an air craft carrier for the first time have done a better job than one of the 4 landings she endured that day.

Air Force Girl was not able to come home this time because of the excitement in the Middle East.  It is one of the problems with having kids in the military.  They can’t always get away because you need and want them.  She was missed.

Rest in Peace Grandma J.  We love you.

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I have been in a funk for the last few days and just did not want to spread it around.  I was turned down for another job that I really wanted.  Then I read a study that says I have a better chance of being hit by lightning than getting a job.  I am one of those horrible people who through no fault of their own was laid off (my company ran out of money) and have not been able to find a job in more than a year of looking.  I am still working on my MBA but I just don’t feel like it has helped me so far.  I enjoy the learning and that it makes me
have something to do every day of the week but . . . *sigh*

There are times when even I have a hard time maintaining a positive attitude.  Everyone tells me it is their loss, and I desperately want to believe that.  It just hurts.  I am a good person.  I am a smart person.  I work hard.  I like to talk to people.  Evidently that doesn’t translate when I interview.  I feel like I have let people down.  I have made choices that are good for my family but are hell on a career.

I am counting my blessings today.  I have three wonderful daughters and a husband who doesn’t seem to mind that I haven’t found a job yet.  He encourages me to keep trying and to never give up.  He supports my taking care of my dad, and encourages me to get out and do things.  I am going go to the homeless shelter or food
pantry or soup kitchen and see if they need any volunteers.  Helping those who are worse off will help me
put things in perspective.  It is easy to lose perspective, when you hear no every day.

I encourage everyone who is getting into a funk because of repeated no’s to sit down and really think about all of the good things in their lives.  It helps, and hopefully it helps me again this time.

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There are days when we wonder why we even bother to get up in the morning.  There are days we wonder why should I even care.  There are days when we wonder why we are still here and if the opportunity came would we take the out.  I can say definitively that I would not. 

I was driving back to Gpa’s on Wednesday feeling very sorry for myself- by the way.  Thinking all of those self indulgent, self destructive things when something happened that really proved I have a purpose here yet. 

I should be dead.  There is no other way to put it.  I still feel the effects of what happened; I get the shakes just thinking about it.  When I think back to what happened I still do not know how I am not dead.  But it proved to me I still have things to accomplish so I should quit feeling sorry for myself.

Here is what happened.  I was driving on one of the country roads it takes to get to Gpa’s a flat stretch of farm country.  Behind me is a jacked up pickup truck driven by some teenage boys, there are two or three for sure in the truck.  Up ahead is a farm on the right, there is a small pickup truck waiting to turn into the driveway of the farm, an old man is driving.  In the driveway is a small white car, four doors, driven by a young woman.  I have my cruise control on and am going 58 miles an hour.  The sun is shining and there are no trees or bushes to obstruct views.  The Boys in the jacked up truck are about 50-75 feet behind me, I am about 100 feet from the driveway when girl in white car pulls out from the driveway.  She never even looked in my direction, I saw her and slammed on my brakes and aimed my car at the back of hers.  I figured hitting the back of her car was preferable to hitting the deep ditch.  I do not know how I did it but I ended up stopped behind her car on the side of the road.  I had the brakes locked up so hard the car was hopping; I managed to miss her and the ditch.  If I had hit her she would have died and so would I, if I had hit the ditch I would have died.  The boys in the truck behind me were paying attention as well and missed her and me and the old man in the truck.  They were on the horn and I could hear them swearing at her.

Once I got stopped and realized I had missed her and everyone else was safe I just sat there for a minute, just shaking.  I took a deep breath said “thank you” to the universe and drove off.  The woman in the white car that had caused all of this was long gone.  The old man in the truck never moved, and the kids in the truck followed me to the next intersection where we turned opposite ways. 

I don’t know why I am not dead, I don’t know what life has in store for me but I do know that I really want to be a part of it.  It is easy to think I just want to die, but when faced with the reality . . . NO I DON’T!

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One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”
–Lucille Ball,
American actress and comedienne

It is so easy to get discouraged, it is hard to make optimism a way of life, but it can be done and when it is life is wonderful. I believe I am one of the luckiest people on earth. Even when “bad” things happen there almost always has something good come from it. We may not see it right away but like Lucy said if you keep yourself busy it comes up when you aren’t paying attention. There is an old saying “life happens when you are making other plans” that is all part of keeping busy.
I am trying to keep busy while I wait. You can only push things so far and then you have to wait for them to play out. I am at home for a few days, giving Gpa and I a break from each other, plus spending some much needed time in my home. I am watching it snow, there are a couple of inches on the ground, I am not sure how much is expected, and really it doesn’t matter it will melt in a day or two. I have such a hard time waiting, so I am practicing patience and remaining optimistic. Because I have faith that everything will work out for the best.
Never give up that belief. Life is way too short to go around not believing in yourself. Smile until you feel demented. You will fool your brain into thinking you are happy and a happy attitude translates into a happy life.

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I am sitting here watching (Good Morning America, The Today Show, and Cbs This Morning) the coverage of the tsunami in Japan.  It just amazes me the power of water.  Water is the life blood of all things.  Without water there is no life.  The waves of this tsunami are just washing everything away like they are toys in a bathtub.  There is a tsunami warning for Hawaii and the west coast.  Plus it was such a huge earthquake; it registered an initial 8.9 on the Richter scale. 

Water is one of those seemingly benevolent things.  It nourishes us and cleans us and sometimes it rears its ugly head and slaps us hard.  The tsunami hit Japan at 23 feet that means a wall of water 23 feet high slammed into Japan.  It is expected to hit Hawaii at 6 feet high and the west coast at 3 feet high.  Those don’t sound so band until you realize that a wave just 6 inches high can sweep a person off of their feet, a person can drown in a teacup of water. 

The pictures of this tsunami hitting Japan is just jaw dropping.  You can see the wall of water just engulfing fields and buildings.  There is a problem with their nuclear power plant, the failsafe mechanism has malfunctioned and they are evacuating the area.  They do not expect a meltdown this is just a precaution.   The death toll is expected to be in the thousands.  Please pray for all of these people.  This is one of the biggest earthquakes in world history.

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